I’m going to speak very candidly. I don’t do this often.
Things that happened to me at a very young age have had a profound effect on my personality. Here’s one that I just realized. Let me tell you about Marissa.
You know how the stereotype is that boys don’t start noticing girls until puberty? Yeah, that wasn’t true for me. My first girlfriend was Marissa and we were in love – we were the cutest damn 5 year old couple. At recess we played together, we took nap time together (scandalous), held hands no doubt, and she gave me my first kiss. We were made for each other.
Somewhere along the line, though, my little 5 year old brain decided that I wasn’t so interested in Marissa anymore. Maybe she was too clingy or I wanted to try other prospects or whatever. Regardless, I had to tell her.
I remember it like yesterday. We were on the playground and I walk up to her anxiously:
Marissa, I have to tell you something… I don’t like you anymore.
She looked at me with tears welling up in her eyes. I didn’t know what else to say. She took off across the playground running, crying. I stood there and something happened inside of me.
Thus began my lucrative career as a heartbreaker. No, that’s not true at all. I think it actually fucked me up a bit. After that, I never wanted to hurt someone like that again. Ever since, I’ve always taken relationships very seriously. She was my best friend at the time so I lost a friend and a lover. I learned not to be so callous with girls’ emotions.
Fast forward 20 years. Karma sure got its revenge. I’ve been left, rejected, and friend-zoned
several countless times since, while all I wanted was to try to make things work. Subconsciously, I think I wanted what I had with Marissa. It was innocent and genuine. No pretense.
I’m beginning to realize that my position on relationships is a bit disabling when most women around my age aren’t looking for serious relationships. They want “casual” and “fun”. No commitment. All I want is to be with someone and not have to let go of her. It’s fundamental for me. Not that I wouldn’t be able to break up with someone if I had to, but I would fight tooth and nail to make things work before it came to that. I don’t think I’m a “hopeless romantic” neither am I “clingy”, but for me, a devoted relationship is crucial in order to achieve a certain kind of happiness.
Not sure why I’m writing all this. I suppose I’m trying to come to terms with sneaking loneliness.